Monday, April 02, 2007

Thank you, Universe, for explaining to my son...

why we require him to leave his High School Language at school.

Son #1 has started talking like a public school student. I accept that as part of the deal we have made--we send him to get an education, and he damn well gets a motherf--king education, bitch. Well, ok, he doesn't take it that far, but you know. It is a bit shocking.

I constantly am reminding him that, A, he kisses his mother with that mouth, and, B, he has younger brothers who don't need to hear that language yet, especially from a big brother they respect and admire.

For those of you who are laughing hysterically at your keyboards, NO, the fact that I tend to swear like a sailor the minute the Sons are out of earshot is totally immaterial. Because, duh, Out of Earshot.

This drives Son #1 nuts. "EVERYBODY talks like this, Mom. I'm not saying anything unusual." Which is absolutely true. But, I still reserve the right to require a little self-censorship, in the interest of domestic civility.

Anyway, this back-and-forth has been going on for months, with Son #1 mostly catching himself before I shoot him The Look, and occasionally arguing for more linguistic freedom. Then, yesterday, he spent the day at a friend's house.

He came home and asked me if his voice "sounded gay".

Knowing this had nothing to do with tolerance of alternative lifestyles, and everything to do with what some kid must have said about his evolving manliness, I replied, "No, your voice sounds like a normal voice, what do you mean?"

"Some little 10-year-old girl rode by on her bike and told me my voice sounded gay. Then she started saying all this other stuff, cursing at us, and stuff. I asked her where she learned to say all this stuff, and she said, her sister."

Son #1 then gave me the sweet, innocent, boy-I-love-with-the-long-eyelashes look, and before I could even start in with "See, I told you so!", he said, "Yeah, Mom, I know what you mean. I don't want them talking like that."

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