I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm leavin' tadaaaaayyyyy

My husband and I got home from vacation last night. Which means we had to pick my kids up from my mom's place, on the way. Over the 5 days we were gone:
My oldest son was FORCED to get a haircut.
His best friend's girlfriend showed her true colors (she is a whore, just like my son's girlfriend, and probably all girls, because girls are crazy and heartless), requiring hours of daily telecommunication, and then we wouldn't go pick the friend up at 11pm after 9 hours in the car because my husband and I are unreasonable (and wanted to go home and have sex instead, but of course my son did not know that).
My mother and her younger brother got into a loud argument about religion and politics in which my mother came out looking like a loon. They may never speak again, and the sons are convinced my uncle was 100% right in his opinions, mainly because he did not scream, cry, or stomp his feet to express them.
My oldest son's manager at his new job forgot to write down our vacation schedule, so he missed 3 shifts for which he never should have been scheduled. Said son wants to use his relatives' positions of authority in the company to get the manager fired. He has no understanding of the fact that he is a 16 year old busboy who's been employed for less than a month. My husband and I are mortified at the idea that he might start throwing his (nonexistent) weight around at work.
My second son has no life (according to the oldest).
My third son is a big wimp (according to the oldest).
My oldest son is a real jerk (according to the entire carload, after this harangue).
All my youngest son got from our trip to NY was a tshirt.
And gas was more expensive here than in the city we passed on the way home. By about 20 cents a gallon.
I had not checked my email in a couple days, so my spam box has 1081 items in it. No, wait, 1084.
Our washer has been out of commission for over a month, and was finally deemed irreparable this morning. So Hubby and I spent a chunk of the day at Sears, arranging for replacement.
I had to take our son to a school conference today because he spent last year acting like school was a place to meet girls, instead of the place that gives you grades for work you do. Every teacher will tell me "He's a very intelligent young man, a joy to be with, with a great grasp of the material, but he never turned anything in."
This morning the publisher of my most consistent writing gig called to tell me that they will no longer be using the kinds of articles they hired me to write. So, you know, there's $5200/year I will have to find another way to earn.
There's more, ok? But our vacation was great and I feel pretty good about life in general, but...let's just say we hit reality pretty hard, today.

But here is a photo of me at the Carnegie Deli. I am to the left of the waitress holding the pastrami and corned beef sandwich which originally inspired this trip to New York.

What girl doesn't like bacon?

"Is he going to his girlfriend's house?"

Yes, as a matter of fact Son #1 has been invited to dinner with The Girl's family tonight.

"Is he bringing bacon?"

"No."

"Well, if you had a boyfriend, and he brought bacon, wouldn't you like that? What girl doesn't like bacon?"

Son #3 does have a point. Bacon is good. But not one of your more traditional courting gifts.

Iron Man

We took the three youngest Sons to see Iron Man last night. Son #1 claimed that he would rather stay home and mow the lawn. Hubby and I realized IMMEDIATELY that he would not, in fact, mow the lawn, but would rather spend the evening visiting his girlfriend.

That included a bike ride to her house, which required the use of my cell phone, because naturally he had to talk to her on the ride. Also predictable? He stayed at her house for so long that he was afraid to bike home in the dark, so I had to go pick him up, after the movie.

Anyway, we all enjoyed Iron Man. The Men liked it for the story and the cinematography. And I, well, I have been staring at Robert Downey Jr. since, like, FOREVER.

Dating Advice from my 16-Year-Old

Son #1 and The Girl have been together for 2 months. This is momentous, of course. And although The Girl's family is the source of concerned amusement, she herself seems like a very nice young lady, and she clearly makes Son #1 happy. So I am happy.

Today, Son #1 missed the bus, so we had some time in the car together. And this is what he had to say, after chuckling at the thought of Hubby and I once being young and in love and kissing in public and all that:

"I think dating is more luck, than skill. It's not hard, really. Ya just gotta not be angry with each other. Because if you love her, there is nothing to be angry about. And if you DO get angry, you should just talk it over with her. And if you're angry with each other all the time, well, maybe she is not the girl for you.

You need to be able to tell her how much you love her. All the girls I know have the problem that their boyfriends can't communicate. If you love her, you need to be able to tell her. And you need to be able to talk to her about how you think and feel and everything.

And random acts of kindness are good, too."

The Boy may spend half his waking life plotting the utter destruction of his three younger brothers, and his ultimate domination of the entire human race, but clearly he has some sense when it comes to women.

Also interesting, while I'm on the subject of The Girl:

She is afraid of me. Apparently I sound scary, on the phone. Probably because the only time she hears me on the phone is when she has called at some godforsaken hour and I pick up the phone to say "THAT IS IT!" But, hey, she hasn't called at 5 am since :)

The natural response to a girl who is afraid of me is...to be nice to her, right? But unfortunately the flip side of "your mom scares me on the phone" is "your mom is too nice, in person". Because her mother's partner is "nice in person", but also bipolar and violent and prone to moving out and moving back in. So, you know, "nice in person", to this girl, is code for "and probably therefore crazy". So, I can't be nice to her to make up for my scary telephone persona.

Also a roadblock: The Girl's mother disapproves of me, and so The Girl is not allowed to spend time at our house.

For those who are keeping score:
The Girl is 13. Her mother is 27. Her father is, according to Son #1, "a very nice man, very smart, easy to talk to when he's sober, but effed up because of all the alcohol and drugs. It's really sad." And The Girl doesn't get to see him much, because she lives with her mom, and her mom's girlfriend, when said girlfriend isn't beating the tar out of her mom and moving out.

The Girl's grandmother is a former stripper. I met her briefly and she seemed like a very nice person, but...she is 51 and easily could pass for 80. And, of course, she raised The Girl's mom. 'Nuff said.

Last weekend, Son #1 went with The Girl and her mother to a local festival. They had a great time, even though The Girl's mother kept telling Son #1 that his penis was "too small for me! Maybe big enough for her, but too small for me!" and, when her bra started to irritate her, she removed her underwire and handed it to Son #1 "because you probably would appreciate it."

It's not that she's a lesbian, it's the fact that she is a man-hating lesbian who likes to tease adolescent boys about adult topics, that bothers me. Chick needs to learn to self-censor, I think.

THAT woman. SHE disapproves of ME.