Saturday, March 21, 2009

WANTED: Musicians

Are you a musical snob with a long list of songs you refuse to play?
Do you hate the music that gets a bar crowd on the dance floor?
Can we count on you to drink until you pass out on stage, use illegal drugs, or insult other members of the band on a racist or sexist level?
Will you make crude, unwanted comments to the wives and girlfriends of other band members?
If someone offers to help the band, will you accept their help and then act as if their efforts are insufficient to deserve thanks or acknowledgement?
Are you unavailable for practice or gigs on a regular basis?
Does criticism prove to you that the other person knows nothing about music?


Currently, our organization is in need of a drummer (adult) and a guitarist (high school-aged) but we will keep any and all applications on file, as turnover is shockingly rapid and needs constantly change.


Mr. Rock Starr said...

I am a musician with all the qualities you mentioned, plus I'm absolutely the most talented, creative, ground-breaking, and good-looking person ever to play the instrument for which you're looking for an instrumentalist. My only weakness is that I'm really too humble, and sometimes i forget to remind other band members of their shortcomings and how they should take advantage of my example to be more like me.

also, i have low self-esteem, so i require regular reminders, both verbal and written, of how awsome I really am. if your band is fortunate enough to have me join, I suggest you hire a full-time communications specialist to handle this important task.

oh, i'm also an alcoholic, drug abuser, sexual deviant, and convicted felon. I'm also tone-deaf.

one more thing (as if i haven't already convinced you i'm perfect for your band). i also hate any music that, when played for an audience, makes them dance, sing along, raise their hands, or display any other signs of liking the song. After all, I'm a real musician, not one of those low-class hacks who pander to what people like to hear.

Looking forward to being your band (oops, i mean being IN your band :)

ALF said...

Aw, man. If we lived closer I would totally make my husband apply. He plays guitar and is great at it!